Chapter 17: How could I suppress it

I don't admit it, I don't want to mention it, but reality slapped me hard, exposing my fatal shortcomings to others. I had nowhere to hide, so I had to remain silent, laughed foolishly, pretending to be indifferent, and finally I would choose to leave and continue to live in a place where no one knows me.

When I came to Bo'antong for an interview, I said to Uncle Chen, the dispatch company for the first time: I am afraid of the interview, so I am nervous when the interview is interviewed. Can I not have an interview?

Uncle Chen said this: What's so nervous? The interview is very simple. It's okay, go!

I really went there, with a look and didn't plan to work here.

As a result, I left without filling in the form. After the second interview, Sister Yunyan told me: At that time, the clerk of the Human Resources Department asked me, why did you leave without filling in the form?

I touched the back of my head and said: I was a little nervous at that time. Today I came with my friend so it was okay.

Do you know what I fear most when working? When having morning meetings, my heart pounds every time I lengthen the name or ask for a number.

I didn't hear a word clearly when I said lengthily. I comforted myself like this: It doesn't matter if I don't know, but what I said doesn't matter anyway. I came here to earn money by working. Even if there is anything important, just ask my colleagues after get off work.

I basically don’t speak during work hours. If my colleagues chat, I pretend to listen. If they smile, I will smile slightly as a response.

If a colleague came to me to talk to me and didn't understand, I would pretend to be surprised and say: What! Or a light response or words like um.

Over time, my colleagues will think that I am a person who is too cold, but after get off work, if only I and one colleague are the only one, I will become proactive in nagging, which will cause my colleagues to have doubts and conflicts.

I can't explain, nor do I want to explain. I can't take the initiative to tell people that I have tinnitus. There are too many people in the workshop and I can't hear clearly. It's okay for the two of them to chat.

I was such a proud person in the past, and my grandfather was such a arrogant person. Now I want me to bow my head, is it possible?

I drink, I smoke, I don’t want to go to work, why are these?

Reading is not necessarily right. The seeds of thought have been buried deep in my heart since the moment I received education. Now that it has sprouted, life asks me to keep it in a cage without giving it freedom and sunshine. Is it possible? Can I agree?

I am a person who loves to laugh, maybe inherited from my dad. Love to laugh is a good medicine. Every time I feel sad, I suddenly laugh.

Later, I didn't want to laugh anymore and felt that it was too stupid, so I bit my lip every time I couldn't help laughing, and sometimes I would bite my lip through when I tried too hard.

This method is not very good. The reason why I laugh is because I think of funny things. What if I think of painful things when I laugh?

Gradually, I stopped laughing, I learned to be silent, and I like to stay alone in the room.

Although I don’t like to laugh anymore, I am a cheerful person and think about everything. Since my work is not going well, I just don’t do it. It’s no big deal.

As I grow older and learn more, I learn to be patient. When I have no money, I will naturally have to work. After all, the novels I write are not very good, no one can make money by reading them.

However, I was not happy and I was so lonely that I wanted to give up the whole world.

I often fantasize about meeting the person who understands me, and at the same time I also understand her or him. My fantasy means that I still hope that life is so wonderful and the sun is warm every day.

The world is big, but I have never even been to Beijing. I want to go to Mount Tai to see all the mountains and stand on the Great Wall to feel the profound history.

I know that all this requires money, I have to go to work, but that is very depressing, I can't integrate it, and they will dislike it.

I don’t want to live a depressed life. Life is short, so I should learn to enjoy it, right?

Perhaps most people think I am too extreme and think too much. I should work hard, be filial to my parents, get married and have children.

If you suppress it for a long time, you will become crazy. I don’t want to be crazy. My sister said that I might have depression, but I don’t, I’m sure.

What should I do if I don’t work? My parents don’t support me in writing novels. They already have white hair and their grandparents are in poor health. What should I do? Should I stick to my dream or give up?

2018.4.2, 10:57 at night.

(End of this chapter)
Chapter completed!